Cell phone rules are one of the most common dilemmas for parents of teenagers: How do I establish rules around the use of my child’s cell phone? There are so many challenges that go along with this. First of all, for both parents and kids, this topic can quickly become a source of negativity. Nobody, parent or child, wants another thing to nag or be nagged about: grades, curfew, friend choices, how they dress, etc. Personally, I much prefer to take away subjects from this list rather than add to it.

Cell phone rules are similar in discussion to technology limits that I wrote about in How Do You Set Technology Limits in Your Family. Certainly you need to determine the needs of your family as a whole and specifically for your child when establishing rules around the use of the phone. It is definitely not a ‘one size fits all’ solution. However, I think that this article from Your Teen Magazine suggest some great starting points in thinking through what might work in your home.

In my opinion, the most important thing to remember is to think this through before you get that very first phone for your child. It is nearly impossible to backtrack on the rules after they have the phone in their possession. Personally, we present the rules of the phone BEFORE we actually purchase the device. If there is push back from the child on the ground rules then we hold off on purchasing the phone. It is a very simple conversation….if you don’t agree to the rules, then no phone.

About a year ago, I was challenged on this very topic. When my daughter was 9 years, she decided that she wanted to save her money to buy an iPad. I figured that after a week or two, this idea would die on the vine. Nope. She pulled weeds, walked dogs, washed her grandmother’s patio furniture and anything else she could do in order to earn a buck. As the summer progressed, it became clear that she was going to save $330 for her ‘very own’ iPad. As she neared the finish line and started talking about the purchase and use of the iPad, I decided it was time to establish the ground rules. She agreed to all but one: Mom takes the iPad at 9:00pm for the night. Her argument was that she was buying it and it was ‘all hers’. I simply and calmly stated that yes it was hers, but we were allowing her to buy this and if she didn’t agree to the rules, she could not purchase it. Not unlike her mother, she is a stubborn and determined child. She said ‘fine, I won’t buy it’, trying to call my bluff. I then suggested that she could buy 3 American Girl dolls with all that money she earned! This was not the response she was looking for. I left the topic alone. After a few days, she came to me and agreed to the rules. A few hours later, we went to the store and purchased the iPad. Had she purchased that iPad and then I tried to establish the rules, it would have been parental suicide for me!

The other big rule that I am a stickler on is no phones, or devices of any kind, at the dinner table. The dinner table includes eating at home or in a restaurant. It also includes family gatherings even if their cousins are using their phones at the table. Meal times are one of the only times that we truly come together as a family and talk. Everyone, including me and my husband, can put their phones down for 30 minutes and talk to each other. This rule started when my children were babies and playing with Leapsters, Nintendo DS, or any other hand held device that entertained them over the years. While I understand that your meal may be much more pleasant if the kids are entertained at the table when they are little, you would be shocked at the quality of conversation you can have at a meal as the kids get older. It is truly priceless. Because we started it young, suffered through a several uncomfortable and quick restaurant visits with toddlers, we now reap the benefits as they are teenagers.

Finally, realize that you can always adjust the rules as your child gets older. Start with stronger rules in place and loosen them where you feel it is appropriate with age and maturity. Remember, as they grow up, the goal is to teach them appropriate technology behavior and to create independence in them.

It has been an ironic week. I received two messages from moms sharing their stories with me. One mom had attended a safety presentations where we talked about Instagram. The other mom follows me on Facebook and my website. They are different people with different parenting styles. One had a success story while one had a troubling story to share. However, where the differences end is in the fact that they both have become involved in their children’s online life and both are looking at their middle schoolers’ Instagram accounts (Yippee!)

Let’s start with the good story. (Names have been changed to protect the innocent.) Susie walked into the presentation as a self proclaimed technology challenged parent. She didn’t understand social media and was intimidated. As a result, her child had no social media privileges. Her daughter kissed her mother good night as she left for the meeting with the hope that she could get an Instagram account at breakfast the next day after her mother became a social media aficionado.

Susie took copious notes as we talked about the pros and cons of Instagram. She followed along when I walked through how to set up the account so that it is private. The next day, feeling a bit more comfortable and confident with Instagram, she gave her daughter the go ahead to set up an account (queue the cheers from 6th graders). As her daughter downloaded the app and opened her account, Susie ensured that the privacy was set properly and obtained the password from her daughter.

A few days after her Instagram was up and running, I received this in an email:

Katie plays the piano.  It’s a lot of hard work and she always acts like she HATES it.  Yesterday she had a recital, and played a piece successfully that she has been practicing for months.  When she got home, she posted a video of her performance to her Instagram friends.  This morning I got a bit teary when I read over the incredibly sweet and encouraging comments from her friends.  This was just the shot in the arm she needed to continue with piano.  I never thought I’d say this, but “Thank God for Instagram”.  I can tell Katie over and over again how special it is that she can play the piano, but when her PEERS tell her, that’s darn effective (:

The second story comes from a mom who found an Instagram post ‘alarming’. The other day, while her son was at school, she paged through his account. She found a post from another child who her son doesn’t hang around with but is following. The post said this:

Alarming? I agree! Alarming on many levels. Is this kid really suffering? Is this kid trying to bother another kid with unbelievable guilt? Is this a middle schooler’s idea of a joke? This mom had no idea who the child was and what the situation might be but she was very concerned. She immediately called the school counselor and told him what she found. Within hours the post was gone. She may never know any of the answers to what was really behind the post, but that is not important. What is important is that she checked her child’s account, found something very troubling and acted on it. She may have helped a child in trouble or maybe prevented another child from being bullied online.

One story makes me feel good and demonstrates the good that can come from social media. Another story bothers and scares me as to how kids use social media and what they are willing to put out there. But the good news is that these are both great examples of what happens when parents take an active role in their children’s online life. Safety levels are increased not only for their own children but for many others. Conversations take place. Kids are educated. Parents are aware.

Thank you to both of you for sharing your stories with me. And thank you for allowing me to share them with others.

Excited to get those Thin Mints? Are you like me and your daughter has moved on from Girl Scouts? Or did the little girl that you use to count on to show up at your door selling cookies go to college?  Worry no more. The Girl Scouts have gone digital with their sales. There is now the Girl Scout Cookie Finder App.

This is interesting from more than just a way to get cookies perspective. It is a clear acknowledgement of how digital our children’s lives have become. There is no denying how pervasive technology has become in both our children’s educational and social lives. But now we see it become a part of their extra curricular activity, and one that is probably the most organic of all.

This is a good thing. One of the goals of the Girls Scout Cookie Program is to give young girls the opportunity to be leaders in the business world and to develop entrepreneurial skills. If this is the goal of the program, how can the digital age not be involved in this objective? Anna Maria Chavez, CEO of GSUSA, says this:

For almost a century, the Girl Scout Cookie Program has been teaching girls to be leaders in the world of business and finance, and we intend to ensure that legacy continues in the digital age.

Like most things, GSUSA has put the emphasis on teaching the girls the proper, appropriate and safe way to sell cookies using technology. You have to be invited by a Girl Scout to use the app or the online platform, and all sales and contacts have to be approved by the Scout’s adult. Additionally, all scouts and adults have to sign the ‘Internet Safety Pledge‘ (this is a great contract that you can use for your own family). 

I love that GSUSA has found a way to take an iconic program involving thousands of young girls and bring it to this hyper digital age in such a positive and educational way. Additionally, it is exciting to see such a practical and historic activity be used in a way that increases children’s awareness of safety on the internet.  I applaud GSUSA and therefore will feel the need to support their cookie sales this year!

This is the 2nd installment of a series of 3 articles related to choosing a smartphone for your child.

In the 1st installment of this series, we compared Android and iOS devices when purchasing a cell phone for your child. Regardless of the device you choose, when you purchase a smartphone for your child, you are providing them with the capacity to connect and communicate with anyone, anytime, anywhere. Therefore, the ability to monitor your child’s activity on that phone is imperative if overall safety is important to you as a parent. For a variety of reasons, according to USA Today, the Android is the safer choice when selecting a device.

For me, as a parent of 3 children, the overwhelming reason why I will only allow them to have Android phones is the monitoring capabilities provided in these devices. There certainly is a debate whether and how to monitor a child’s device. Some parents are uncomfortable with the idea of monitoring software while others are huge proponents of it and somewhere in between lies the rest of us. My first priority, remember, is the safety of my children. This trumps the argument of invading my teenager’s privacy.

So, which software do you choose? Here is a cell phone software monitoring review for your convenience. Personally, I use and love My Mobile Watchdog (#4 on the list). I find the functionality so easy to use. The main capabilities it provides are:

As you can see, the functionality is very comprehensive, and while the list seems long and involved, the software is extremely user-friendly. My Mobile Watchdog is web-based. You simply set up an account, load the software onto your child’s phone, and then monitor the activity from any device (laptop, desktop, cell phone) that allows you internet access. Additionally, there is an app for iPhone and iPad that also allows you to monitor from your iOS devices as well. You pay monthly ($4.95 per month) for an account, which I prefer over a flat purchase fee for other software (priced between $50-$150). On one account, you can monitor up to 5 Android devices.

One of the most important parts of the software is the Activity Log. The log is where the details of the text messages, photos, website visits, application access, and phone calls on your child’s phone can be viewed. It is very user-friendly. The activity of the device can be reviewed in a matter of seconds to see if there is a stranger or someone flagged as an alert contacting your child. You can also easily see if there are pictures coming in or going out of the phone, (i.e. sexting, which has grown into a serious issue among teenagers).

The extent to which you use monitoring software is obviously up to you as a parent. Once the software is loaded, there is a broad spectrum of how it can be used to both monitor and parent your child. For various reasons, some parents need to see exactly whom their child is interacting with on a daily basis and this is easily done. For the parents that feel uncomfortable reading every text, this tool provides a safety net. Those who don’t want to monitor on a regular basis, can simply wait to use the software until they begin seeing negative changes in the child’s behavior. For example, if he goes missing, tries to hurt himself, grades drop dramatically, etc., this is where you can look to see if there is a bigger issue with your child.

One thing to realize when using monitoring software is lack of visibility into what kids are doing within applications. The software allows you to see what apps are being accessed and to also block any apps that are on the device. However, there is no ability to see exactly what is going on within the app itself. For example, if your child decides that he really doesn’t want you to see what he is messaging a friend, he can take the conversation over to applications like kik, which is a messaging app. You can see that he is accessing kik, but you will no longer have the ability to see who and what he is messaging. As a motivated parent working to keep your child safe, you should be aware of the apps that kids are using and what they do.

Finally, no amount of monitoring can ever replace parenting in the world of online safety. Monitoring is another tool to help you do your job of keeping your child safe. It provided a pathway to further communication with kids about what, how, and why certain behaviors are safe and appropriate online. Use these tools to make this job of parenting in this hyper digital age slightly easier and much more successful.

Next installment will look at having the difficult conversations with your child about monitoring their smartphone activity.