News Alert: Harvard Rescinds Offers for Obscene Memes

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40,000 high school students from the class of 2017 applied to Harvard this year. 2,056 of those applicants were offered admittance to the most prestigious university in the US. Approximately 1,725 applicants accepted Harvard’s offer. That is an acceptance rate of 4.3%! Those are pretty slim chances of getting into a dream college.

Privacy and permanency are two of the most difficult concepts for teens to comprehend when it comes to their activities online. Privacy does not exist in any form when talking about social media posts, texts, pictures, videos, etc. Permanency exists beyond the comprehension of middle school and high school students. The challenge we face as parents and educators is to find ways to take these two abstract concepts that teens struggle to understand and make them concrete and relatable. I have had the greatest success in communicating these ideas through the use of real life stories and examples that kids can understand and relate to. Here is the most recent story of teens making some extremely poor decisions online and the resulting consequences.

There are at least 10 students out there who just recently experienced the greatest accomplishments of their young lives. They achieved something that the vast majority of society can only dream about. They were accepted to Harvard University! I cannot imagine the amount of blood, sweat, and tears that went into 4 years of high school to achieve acceptance to Harvard. Yet, with a few poor decisions, a swipe of the finger, and some ignorance about the privacy and permanency of their social media activities, that acceptance has been revoked. I can almost guarantee you that every, single, one of these students have been instructed that their social media actions can have permanent and very severe consequences to their futures. These 2017 graduates have forever changed the course of their college future. If only they had thought before they posted…

Take a moment to share this story with your children or students. It is a great, yet sad, example of the permanency of social media. I will ask my children to read this story and see what their reactions are and where the conversation goes. There may be no comments or questions. There may be a simple shrug of the shoulders or a roll of the eyes. However, there may be a great conversation that results. Regardless, I can be certain that they will understand the impact of these 10+ formerly Harvard bound students’ online actions. This is a very relatable story that will help communicate the message of permanency.

Establishing an Escape Route

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Kids, even good kids, sometimes make mistakes. Our goal as parents is not to prevent mistakes, but to help kids learn from those mistakes. But if they are scared to tell us about their mistakes, they can get in over their heads and end up making even bigger mistakes to try to cover their trail.

Kids, often times, are motivated to ‘stay out of trouble’. This motivation can be the source of poor decisions because of what a tween or teen perceives as ‘trouble’. Trouble is perceived as parents being angry with them, punishing them or most simply, as disappointing parents.

When our children are interacting online through social media, gaming, chatting, texting, etc. things can go wrong in many ways. It can be through a poor decision made, another person deceiving them, or other children’s poor decisions. More often than not, it can come from curiosity as well as lack of awareness of safe online behavior.

According to research conducted by Online Safety Site:

  • 69% of teens regularly receive personal messages online from people they do not know and most of them do not tell a trusted adult about it.
  • 60% of teens say they usually respond only to ask who the person is when they receive online messages from someone they do not know.

When things go wrong for tween and teens online, they need to understand what their options are. However, sometimes the most logical and safest option may be the least appealing to them in asking their parents for help.

This is where we as parents HAVE to come in. We need to provide our children with an “escape route.” This needs to happen before our kids have run into an uncomfortable or unsafe situation. The escape route should be discussed as part of the educating and training we provide when we first allow our kids to have a phone. So what is the escape route?

Well, what is the safest thing for kids who encounter a problem online to do? To tell a parent, right? But kids are often more afraid of getting in trouble or disappointing their parents than the unknown danger, for example, of meeting a stranger at a movie theater or Starbucks. This is, in part, because they don’t fully understand just how dangerous this can be.

I talk to my children about the difference between making a safe decision vs. a decision that keeps them out of trouble with me. I tell my children that I never want them to make an unsafe decision because they are afraid of telling me. This is a tough concept kids to understand. But I call it the Golden Ticket or the “get out of jail free card.” Whatever name you give it, it’s an escape route.

It’s simply a promise that if they get in over their head, whether it is at a party, at school, or online, they can tell me and they will not get in trouble. The Golden Ticket also reminds me that my most important responsibility is to ensure their safety, remain calm, and not react in an emotional way.

We also need to tell our kids, before they ever get online or have a phone: This device enables you to talk to anyone, anywhere, at any time. It also allows people to talk to you, and even for them to pretend to be someone they are not. It’s easy for people to fool one another, or use a photo of someone else as their profile picture.

We need to tell them that we think they are smart and will make good choices, but it is easy to be fooled. And if they end up in a situation where they feel trapped or scared, but are afraid to tell us because they fear getting punished, they have a Golden Ticket, a get out of jail free card. To use one time, as their escape route.

An escape route, discussed and explained before it is needed, functions like a fire drill. A fire drill shows kids how to get out of danger. You hold the fire drill not when the building is burning, but way before, just in case. In a calm, focused way, you have kids practice walking out of the building so that if an emergency occurs, they’ll know how to escape.

Every kid will make mistakes when online and using social media. However, there are also times when kids are led down paths that they don’t see until it is far too late. Many times, teenager do not set out looking to meet a stranger online. They trust that people are who they say they are.

Regardless of being tricked or making a bad decision, as soon as my child realizes that he is in a spot that he cannot safely navigate, I want him to make a safe decision. Setting up an escape route before they ever begin using the phone or the Internet will help them to make safe decisions, even if they have made mistakes.

Using Social Media as a College Application Tool

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If you have sent a child off to high school, you understand that bittersweet feeling of being proud of this child nearing young adult independence while realizing that same child will be flying the nest in 4 incredibly short years. And boy, do those 4 years go quickly!

There are so many things that we as parents are warning our kids about throughout their high school years, especially around the topic of technology and social media. We tell them over and over that one inappropriate comment or picture could greatly alter their future hopes and dreams. We tell them stories of pictures that went viral or comments that pushed another child past the brink. We share the fact that college admissions offices are looking at applicants online accounts and college coaches, like Renee Sloan of the University of Illinois, are requesting to follow or friend recruits’ social media accounts. Everyone wants a peak at the ‘real you’ and not just the test scores. They are asking ‘are you who you said you are?’ and the answer can be found through a student’s social media presence. While they need to hear these messages repeatedly, we all get tired of being the Debbie Downer about their social media activity.

But are colleges, coaches and even employers only looking for that reason to eliminate a student from the process? Not necessarily. The positive message and conversation that we can have with our children is that social media can and should be used in a positive way to differentiate from the masses. College admissions offices, coaches, and employers are looking to social media to find reasons to select one student over another and not as a way to eliminate. Tools such as LinkedIn, are platforms where high school students can differentiate themselves from the thousands of other highly talented and qualified applicants.

Alan Katzman of Social Assurity, is focused on helping high school students create an advantage over the competition through social media. In this 2 minute video segment from an ABC news affiliate, Katzman describes how and why students should use social media, thus improving the quality of applicant they are. Take a minute to watch this and if you have a high school student, watch it together! The best news is that this a great way to talk about the positive ways to utilize social media.

News Article: Gaming Addiction and Kids

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It started with Pong, Atari, Nintendo….today there is Xbox, Play Station 4, Wii. The games used to be simple like Pac Man, Space Invaders, Donkey Kong…today they are more complicated, with graphics that make it near impossible to distinguish the game from reality. And today, the games are proving to be far more addictive than they were 35 years ago.

One of the greatest concerns of parents today is video game addiction. The addiction can be with games as innocuous as Mindcraft or as violent as Call of Duty. Regardless of the game or the gaming platform, gaming addiction is a real issue. As we move into the holiday season with not only gifts of technology and new games filling our homes, but also with the abundance of free time on kids’ hands with school vacation, now is a good time to consider the issues surrounding online gaming. Take a few minutes to read this excellent Washington Post article: The Next Level which provides wonderful insight into the world of gaming addiction.

5 Steps for a Safe Cyber Monday

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Like it or not, the holiday season has arrived! If you are anything like me, you not only welcome Cyber Monday, but make the most of the day. Obviously, the deals can be great, but the real benefit is the ease and convenience of shopping from home. The list of advantages is long…no parking headaches, no frustrating searches through over stocked stores to find the right size, no wasted time waiting in long check out lines, and best of all, no need to deal with the Chicago cold, rain, and snow.

Before you get your credit card handy and start paging through the many Cyber Monday emails you likely have accumulated, take a few minutes to ensure your cyber safety. The entire world knows that Monday, November 28, 2016 is the biggest online shopping day of the year. Take a few minutes to ready your computer for the day and ensure your online safety.

  1. Ensure your browser is updated. Browser programs are updated to address problems. If you have an outdated version on your computer, the website you are accessing may not display properly and there can also be security issues allowing someone to hack into your computer. To check what version you currently have on your computer, open the browser program, go to the toolbar up top, click on “Help,” and then click on “About [the name of the program.]”
  2. Ensure you have the latest operating system updates. Both Microsoft and Apple update their systems regularly to ensure the safety and reliability of your computer. Don’t procrastinate. These updates offer the latest protection against malicious online activities.
  3. Ensure you have updated your anti-virus software. Cyber Monday is a favorite day for hackers, thieves and cyber-terrorists. Reduce your vulnerability by downloading the latest update. Remember, antivirus software is used to prevent, detect, and remove computer viruses, worms, and trojan horses. Don’t take chances with an out of date program. Also, limit the number of unknown sites you visit.
  4. Scan your computer for Spyware. Spyware tracks your movements on the Web and often times interferes with your computer’s performance. If you have time, run a full system scan of the hard drive before you start shopping to make sure that you do not have any unwanted intrusions.
  5. Prepare for computer freezes. If your computer freezes, simply reboot the computer. Click on the “Ctrl-Alt-Delete” keys. The task manager will open and click the “Start Task Manager” tab. A window will open and you will see the site that is not responding. Click the “End Task” tab and the web page will close. For Apple computers, hold the “power” button down until the computer turns off or select the “Opt- Cmd-Esc” keys.

Best of luck with the online deals and happy shopping! And remember Cyber Monday is a great reminder to be aware of your online security.

Quick Tips to Keep Your Child Safe Online

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When I work with parents, I am often asked for some ‘quick tips’ for improving children’s safety online. Take a minute to share these suggestions with your children. You might feel like you have talked to them about these previously, but you can never have the discussion around online safety enough.

General Tips

  • Create unique and strong passwords that do not use first and/or last names.
  • Change a password after logging on to a device that is not your own.
  • Never give out personal information online.
  • Never share passwords with anyone other than your parents.
  • Make sure Location Services is ‘Off’ for the camera on all devices that are able to take pictures.

For more details and explanation of these tips, read this earlier blog on basic tips for online safety.

Social Media

  • Have your the username and password for all your child’s social media accounts.
  • Only allow your child to go on sites that have privacy settings.
  • All accounts should be set to ‘Private’.
  • Avoid social media sites that allow users to post anonymous questions or comments.
  • Most importantly, understand what social media sites your child is using. Understand what the age limits are and what risks are associated with the social network.

Online Gaming

  • Understand the games that your child is playing. What are the age limits? How much violence is there? Is there sexual content?
  • Avoid the use of head sets.
  • Keep gaming devices in common areas of the home.
  • Set gaming time limits.
  • Set a gaming curfew if your child is gaming online.
  • Use the parental controls on gaming consoles to control content, access to the Internet, and timers. Click here for more details on setting parental controls on Xbox 360.

 

 

Create Tech Free Time in Your Home

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A little over a year ago, my then 14 year old, son asked if he could have 7 friends over for a BBQ. Of course we said yes and didn’t give it much more thought from there. When the night came, we grilled some burgers and hotdogs and then left the kids alone on the patio. After 30 minutes or so, I looked out the door to see all 8 kids sitting around the patio table talking, laughing and generally having a great time with the exception of the constant texting, snapping, and instagramming of pictures. Quite honestly, it looked the same as most innocent teenagers hanging out. It was at that moment that I wished that I had taken all the phones when the kids arrived at the house. As I verbalized this thought to my 16 year old son, he replied ‘Mom, you’d never have the guts to do that.’ And that was all it took to propel me into action.

I went into the cabinet and found the cutest wicker basket I could, because every good phone roundup starts with a cute basket. To the shock of my older son, I headed for the patio. As I walked out, I wondered what the heck I was doing and was I committing social suicide for both myself and my son who has having the BBQ. But it was too late. I was committed. I walked up to the table, and with the nicest smile I could find, announced ‘Phone Roundup’ as I put the basket in the middle of the table. Shockingly, every single kid, without hesitation, put his or her phone in the basket. I said thanks and walked inside and smiled at my older son proving to him that I did have the guts.

What happened next, I never expected. I looked out the window 5 minutes later and saw all the kids playing Frisbee on the lawn. As darkness took over, they switched games to Ghost in the Graveyard. Games! Yes, they were playing games that I played at that age. After all his friends departed for the night, my son came in and thanked me for the BBQ and said ‘and thanks for taking the phones.’ There was still a part of me that wondered if he would be angry or embarrassed at my Phone Roundup. So I asked him why he was thanking me. His response was this:

Well, we were all hanging out together but after you took the phones, we were REALLY together. We stopped snapping and texting friends that weren’t here and we were just hanging out and talking, which was awesome. I forgot how fun Ghost in the Graveyard is!

Kids need tech free time. We all need tech free time. Just like having tech free space in the home, creating tech free time for your family can be part of your digital road map that you may have previously created. Tech free time for the family can be scheduled on a regular basis, like every Sunday evening from 7pm-9pm. Or it can also be less scheduled but on a regular basis, like once a month. Whatever works for your family. Similar to tech free space, the key to success is that EVERYONE in the family should go tech free during this time.

One thing to consider is how  TV fits into this plan. My daughter is quick to remind me that TV is technology and it should not be used during tech free time. So sometimes we will play some board games or play some game outside. Nobody is forced to play games. People can do what they want to do during this time. For us, the only requirement is that technology is put down for that window of time. What generally happens is that everyone ends up coming together at some point and interacting.

It sounds so simple. The reality is that the first few times we suggested tech free time in the house, it was met with resistance by my children. My daughter actually asked, with great dismay, ‘What will we do?’ as if there is nothing to do if technology is eliminated for a few hours. However, as all of us adjusted to putting phones down and not reacting to every buzz and beep of a snap or text, we all started to enjoy the freedom of being disconnected for a few hours.  My sons’ snaps and texts were still there 2 hours later and my daughter realized that there are many things to do that do not involve a screen!

Creating Tech Free Space in Your Home

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Sometimes I feel like no matter where I go in my house, someone, or everyone, is lock into a screen of some sort. One child is in his room on social media on his iPad.  Another is in the family room playing XBOX. My husband is in the office working on his laptop. It can be maddening at times. But the one place I know that I can go and not find any phones, iPads, laptops or televisions is my kitchen island.  In our house, the kitchen island is known as a ‘tech free zone’.

In an effort to incorporate healthy tech in the home, try creating tech free zones in the house. It is simple to do and can also be a component of your ‘digital road map‘ that you may have previously created. To do this, all you need to do is answer one question: In what part of the house, do we want to NEVER have technology? It can be bedrooms. It can be the TV room or family room. For us, it is the island in the kitchen. Certainly we are watchful about technology in the bedrooms, but for my family and for a variety of reasons, bedrooms are not official ‘tech free zones’.  The island is the place where we truly gather as a family. We eat most family meals here. The kids eat breakfast here. We play games at the island. We have the debrief of the day here as my kids eat a snack or dessert. It is where conversation happens. There are very few distractions and it has become a part of our family culture.

Here is the catch to making a tech free zone a success in your home: EVERYONE has to follow the rules! This means that my husband and myself are tech free at the island. When we gather for dinner, my phone gets left in another room. When I am hanging out with my son, hearing about his cross country practice as he eats ice cream, if my phone vibrates with a call or text, I resist the urge to pick it up or pull it out of my back pocket. If I do, I am quickly reprimanded, and rightly so, by whomever I am sitting with at the island. My kids buy into this program for two reasons. First, I think they enjoy this small amount of the day being unplugged. Second, I think they very much enjoy having my or my husband’s undivided attention. Really, they should have that all the time. Sadly, given the times we live in, it doesn’t always happen.

There are some great upsides to creating a tech free zone in the home in addition to the obvious of quality time together. One of the greatest of these upsides is that it significantly reduces conflict around phones, ipads, etc. For my family, the kids just do not bring tech to the island. It is not something that needs to be reminded or argued about. Because we all abide by this rule all the time, it has become a way of life. It is so nice not to begin dinner with comments like ‘please stop texting’ or ‘put your phone away’. It is so nice not to hear the beeping and pinging of the various alerts from my kids phones. It is so nice to have conversation where my kids not only participate but where I actually get to see their beautiful faces vs. the tops of their heads as they look down at a phone.

Another upside is that kids start to get conditioned to the idea of tech free zones and associate it with the activity that happens in that space. For my kids, they associate meals, in general, as a time for conversation, not tech and it starts to move beyond the home. When we are at family parties, I sometimes hear the comment that a cousin was texting all through dinner. It is expressed with a sense of disappointment at the lost opportunity to hang out.

In the interest of full disclosure, my children are very normal teenagers with their phones. There are many times I find myself looking at the tops of their heads or feeling like I am in battle for their intention and the little rectangular box they are holding in their hands is winning the war. However, for 30 minutes a day, there is a cease fire in the war because the kitchen island is a neutral, or tech free zone.

Creating a Digital Road Map for Your Child’s Technology Road Trip

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How is it that kids know the exact worst time to ask parents for things like downloading the newest, greatest, and most popular social media app?

One of the most common woes I hear from parents is that they allowed their child to download an app that they did not know much about and now they wish they had not given their approval. I’ll ask them why they agreed to it. the is usually something like:

She caught me at a bad time. I was in the middle of 5 different things and very distracted. I said no but she told me it was ok, safe, and that she was the ONLY one of her friends who didn’t have it. So I just gave in. Now that I know more about it, I really wish I hadn’t, but it is so hard to backtrack on this.

When to allow kids various privileges with technology is a big decisions. It requires education, thought and discussion. These cannot and should not be made in the heat of the moment. They should not be influenced by factors like ‘everyone else is doing it’. These are decisions that are difficult on which to back track. It is not impossible to reverse the decision and pull back on technology privileges but it usually comes with a high price of conflict with your child.

Long before we had GPS and Google maps, we would never embark on a long road trip without a map or plan of how we were going to get there. Similarly, regardless of where your child is with technology, it is never too late to think through what the plan is for rolling out the various aspects of technology for your child. Create a digital road map for the technology road trip you are about to take with your child.

Here are some things to consider when creating this plan:

  • What age will you allow your child to interact on the Internet unsupervised?
  • What age will you allow your child a device that can access the Internet, like an iTouch or iPad?
  • What age will you allow your child a smartphone?
  • What are the rules around the smartphone? Time limits? Data limits? Access to the web?
  • Is the smartphone allowed in the bedroom?
  • Where will the smartphone be at bedtime?
  • What age will you allow your child to use social media, like Instagram, Facebook, Musical.ly, Snapchat, etc?
  • How will social media activity be monitored? Will you follow them on the site? Will usernames and passwords be shared with you?
  • Will monitoring software be used? i.e. My Mobile Watchdog, Teensafe, Circle by Disney, etc.
  • How will inappropriate online behavior be handled?

Like all parenting decisions, these are highly personal with many variables to be considered within the family. Thinking through some of these questions will help you make solid decisions in a calm frame of mind and help you avoid the pressure packed poor decisions that many parents later regret. The other great advantage to creating a digital road map is that it sets your child’s expectations. Once the expectations are set, kids tend to reduce the amount of badgering they will do to get what they want. It will also provide them with a clear idea of when they will be given certain technology privileges. While it might seem like a lot of work up front, people who have taken this approach have told me over and over again, how much easier it was on everyone in the family in the long run!

Cyber Bullying: Ways to Start Conversation with Kids

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When school let out in June, kids’ uniforms were tired looking and too small. Some friendships needed the break that summer provides. My teenagers were tired of the teachers, assignments, and tests. Frankly, I was tired of making lunches! Everyone was ready for summer break.

Summer flew by! Here we are at the brink of a new school year. There are lots of things about the start of the school year that don’t excite me: tight time schedules, making lunches, carpools, the stress of school, and the impending cold weather that will arrive before we know it.

On the bright side of things, I love the sense of new beginnings as kids start a new school year. There is a positive energy in the air. The school uniforms are crisp and new. Folders are organized. The kids are excited to see old friends, teachers, and in some ways, get back to a routine.

Over the last couple of weeks, there has been a surge in articles around bullying and cyber bullying and two of the stories have resonated with me. The first is the story of Gabby Douglas and the amount of cyber bullying she is facing as an Olympic athlete. She is being criticized for everything from her hair to not putting her hand on her heart during the National Anthem to being ‘salty’ when her teammates won individual medals.

Four years ago, Gabby won a gold medal for the 2012 Olympic All Around competition. We loved her. The late night shows loved her. She is a beautiful woman and an amazing athlete. Fast-forward four years. She had the guts to go for it again as a (gasp) 20-year-old. Gabby made the Olympic team, which, by the way, is the most competitive team in history. She went out there and competed at the highest level and did well. However, in her mind, probably not as well as she wanted or hoped. Of course she wanted to defend her all-around championship!

I’m sure she is experiencing a certain amount of disappointment. She has dedicated her life to being the best. And now there are a couple of other women who are better. Does this give anyone the right to go online, call her a hater, create the hashtag #crabbygabby, and criticize her hair and looks? At one point, Gabby was found in a corner of an Olympic venue in tears over the online negativity that she was experiencing. Is this what it means to be living the Olympic dream?

The second story is about a 13-year-old boy named Danny Fitzgerald, from Staten Island, NY. Earlier this month, his sister found him, dead, after he hung himself with a belt. In his two-page suicide note, he said that he just “gave up” after being bullied mercilessly at school. Even teachers, it seemed to him, would not help or protect him. Obviously all deaths of children are tragic and beyond sad. But when a 13-year-old little boy takes his own life, it seems particularly tragic. It is hard to imagine the pain that Danny had endured that would lead to him giving up.

While both of these stories sadden me, I see opportunity within them. With the start of school, I see an opportunity to talk to my kids about these stories. Kids are excited right now. They are in a mindset of new beginnings, of starting fresh. Maybe they are starting a new school or entering a class without some of their close friends. The timing is right to reengage on the topic of cyber bullying. Last June, like the school uniforms, the kids were tired of the messages. Hopefully, there has been a bit of a recharge and we can restart the dialog on this topic. This time of year, they are open to doing things differently.

One of the best ways to kick off these conversations is with real life stories that kids can relate to and have an interest. Many kids have followed the Olympics and know who Gabby Douglas is. This is a chance to take a relatable story and share it with them. Ask them how they would feel if they were in Gabby’s shoes. Talk to them about how easy it is to go along with a crowd that’s being mean, and how they can choose to be a better person.

Or, show them this sweet picture of Danny Fitzgerald. Ask them what they might have done if they saw mean comments online, or heard people mistreating Danny. Could they have said something nice to Danny? Could they be an ‘upstander’ or a friend to Danny?

I had a conversation about the start of school with my daughter. Her birthday falls on the third day of school, and it is a tradition for friends to decorate lockers to celebrate one another’s birthdays. She is excited because the calendar works in her favor this year and she will be in school. Last year, her birthday fell on the very first day and the locker decorating didn’t happen.

I asked my daughter who decorates the locker, and she named a few of her close friends. I then asked her if there were any girls who have not had their locker decorated. She named one girl and said that she really didn’t have too many friends.

We talked about the possibility of decorating her locker and how that might make her feel. My daughter is thinking it might be a nice thing to do. It was a successful conversation that I believe was based on the timing. There is excitement in the air. There is a sense of openness and a willingness to try some new things socially. Seize this time of the year to talk about kindness both online and face to face. Summer is coming to a close and it is time to start those conversations going again!