TikTok Challenges and Safety Settings

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TikTok, have you heard of it? Without question, this was the top-ranking app in 2020, with good reason. According to Forbes, the social media platform, used for creating, sharing and viewing short videos, had 850 million downloads in 2020. As the pandemic set in and lockdowns were put in place, TikTok grew exponentially in popularity.

Taking a closer look at this craze over the last year, there are so many areas in which to dive deeper. First of all, if you are wondering what this app even is, start here: TikTok Safety: What You Need to Know will provide you with a basic overview of the app.

Personally, I spent more hours than I care to admit, scrolling through my TikTok feed. While I am not creating TikToks, I do love to watch them, and it is amazing how 10 minutes can quickly turn into hours passively viewing TikToks. Watching other people dance, regardless of ability, brings a smile to my face.

If you think this is a platform designed for Generation Z or even Millennials, you are mistaken. While these groups dominate the app, there are no age limits to those enjoying the fun to be had. Everyone from Grandma to the baby of the house is dancing, telling jokes, and generating memes. Additionally, you might find a single person grooving to a song from the 90’s or an entire family performing a choregraphed dance right there in the family room. There is no single age group, race, or gender cranking out the videos; that is one of the great beauties of TikTok. All are welcome.

While many users create their own original content, trends and challenges have taken root and lived a rich life from TikTok. A challenge starts with a single video that turns into a widely followed (going viral) and replicated video. The videos can be anything from a dance to a comedy bit or a simple quote. Some of these trends are positive and entertaining, while others can be negative or dangerous.

Looking at a positive example, the Dreams Challenge breathed new life into Fleetwood Mac’s 1977 hit single “Dreams”, which most Gen Z’ers had never even listen to. Credit Nathan Apodaca, an Idaho potato worker, for making a TikTok in which he rides his long board, sips Ocean Spray Cranberry juice, and lip-syncs the hit single. The unsuspecting video went viral with 72 million views and 12 million likes. It even got Stevie Nicks (of Fleetwood Mac) to lace up her roller skates and participate in her own TikTok, not to mention getting the hit back on Billboard’s top 10.

You can also find dance challenges where users replicate the same dance to a single song. People dance alone for the camera, with friends, and as a family, no skill needed! Several of the more popular challenges over the past year include “The Renegade”, “Blinding Lights”, and “Savage”. Even LeBron James and family joined in the fun with a TikTok made for the Can’t Touch This (MC Hammer) Challenge. Regardless of creating the videos or simply viewing in the feed, these provided hours of fun and connection for people during the Pandemic.

Another positive that came out of the last year of TikTok, and provides a lifeline for many, is the ‘I had pasta tonight’ phrase which is code for someone who is experiencing depression or suicidal thoughts.  It gives Gen Z’ers a way to subtly reach out to the community for help and support. When someone posts this, the community jumps into action by flooding the struggling user’s account with thousands of likes and positive comments of support and reasons to live.  The message sent is ‘life is worth living and the community wants you here’. I wonder how many lives have been saved in this way!

As with everything, where there is good, there can be bad in the form of offensive, dangerous, or negative challenges. Many of these challenges start as pranks but then go viral and problems result. Take, for example, the Skull Breaker Challenge. This challenge originated in Spain when two kids recorded the stunt, posted and it went viral. What is it? Think back to when we were kids, and someone pulls a desk chair out when another student is in the process of sitting. Similarly, in this situation, three people stand in a line taking turns jumping up, however, the person in the middle does not know that the two others will kick his legs out from under him with the intent for the unknowing participant to fall backwards. While this may have started as a harmless prank, there have been instances of serious brain injury resulting.

Another challenge that started innocently but has the possibility of going bad is the Silhouette Challenge. Users start by creating a video that is innocent in nature. As the music changes, a second video is added that is has a filter, changing the appearance of the user into a silhouette. The idea is that the silhouette encourages a more comfortable way for the user to show off a provocative pose, sexy lingerie, or even less. With the filter, the user is appropriately obscured from view. The problem arose when another user started posting videos on how to peel back the filter, exposing the original user in ways never intended. The videos quickly transitioned from fun to life altering, damaging videos.

In a year that has been filled with isolation, boredom, stress, and anxiety, TikTok has provided many positives to life. Clearly, the platform is very social in nature and has truly been open to every type of person regardless of interest, age, and ability to dance like Mariah Carey. It has provided connection for many and more importantly, connection for many that had very few avenues to find others. And finally, it has offered countless hours of entertainment to the young, the old and everyone in between. But like all apps, it comes with its risks and dangers. Moderation, balance, and knowledge are key to helping kids maximize the benefits and minimize the risks to social media apps like TikTok.

Online Gaming: Is this a problem for my child?

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This past week I had the privilege of spending three days in a school, working face to face with students from 4th through 8th grade. Although I have been working with students all fall via Zoom, there is something special about being in the classroom with them. The conversation is naturally more interactive. One question I love to start each session with is “where do you guys hang out online?” My objective is twofold: I want to tailor my talk to what they best relate to AND I always am looking to find any new trends both by gender and age. The most dominating answer I received over these three days was simple: Gaming, gaming, and more gaming. The specific grade did not seem to make a difference; there is a lot of online gaming happening with tweens and teens. It makes sense as they have a whole lot of time to fill these days!

As I thought about the high frequency of gaming in our kids’ lives, I thought about my own kids. I have a 22-, 19-, and 16-year-old. Over the last 10 years, we have purchased three gaming systems for the kids: Wii, Xbox, and Play Station. Of those three systems, only one currently remains in my home because both my sons have hijacked a system for use in their college apartments. Age does not seem to be a factor….4th grade to college, gaming is huge!

Obviously, there is a need, as parents, to deepen our knowledge of the gaming world. With that goal in mind, here is a quick FAQ to cover some information around this topic.

What devices are kids gaming on?

Anywhere and everywhere. Games can be played on iPads, mobile phones, iTouches, laptops, and gaming consoles. If the device allows access to the Internet, games can be played. Most games are either downloaded from the Internet, downloadable apps, or websites.  Realize that if your child is gaming on a console, like Nintendo Switch, they can game with anyone, anywhere and not just the people in their physical space.

What are the most popular games?

There are lots. With younger elementary students, there seems to be a high frequency of Roblox, Minecraft, and the latest craze of Among Us. As kids get a little older, they are moving to more sophisticated games: Fortnite Battle Royal, Call of Duty, Grand Theft Auto, League of Legends as well as EA Sports games like Fifa, Madden NFL, and NBA 2K.

Are there any upsides to gaming?

Of course! When the games are used with balance and moderation, there are benefits. First, online gaming provides a line of connection for kids to hang out with their friends and do what they enjoy. This has been a huge benefit during the pandemic, especially for kids that do not have access or an interest in social media. Additionally, most of the games require strategic thinking and creativity, think Minecraft. Other games require collaboration skills. Players will survive longer and progress farther if they can work effectively with others.

Are there downsides of gaming?

There are downsides, but many of these downsides come into play depending on the game content and the amount of time spent playing. It is important to consider the personality of your child when thinking through the dangers. Addiction or excessive play time is a common problem; once they start playing, it could be hard to stop and even harder to find another activity as interesting or stimulating as the online game. Another concern is isolation. While gaming can be a good source of connection to friends, it can also lead to physical isolation in the home. The presence of online predators is far more common than most parents realize. Predators go where kids are and especially where parents are not. Online bullying is another real concern. The culture of this world promotes ‘trash talking’ in the words of students, that can very quickly cross the line into online harassment. As you move into the genre of first shooter games, exposure to violence, which, for some kids, has shown to lead to increased aggression.

You mentioned the presence of predators. How does that work?

As I mentioned above, predators go where kids are unsupervised. This is the online gaming world. It represents the greatest disconnect from parental knowledge to where kids spend time. The more time they spend, the more opportunity for a predator. That is the first part of the predator equation. The second part of the equation is an opportunity to groom or build a relationship with the child. Online gaming provides a perfect environment, especially with games that require teamwork. The predator can easily build a ‘partnership’ with the child which will lead to trust and friendship. When a predator can establish these things, it opens the door to the predator.

My kid loves to game. I’m not sure I can eliminate this. What suggestions do you have for safely gaming?

I understand your situation as my kids are the same! There are things you can definitely do to reduce your child’s vulnerability. It starts with you! Understand what games they are playing and what the dangers are with that game. Understand the age rating for the game (they all have age ratings). Read reviews and google questions like Is Fortnite safe for kids? You can also consult other sites like Common Sense Media which offers reviews of every game. Here are a few other suggestions:

This is just the tip of the iceberg. Gaming is a topic that has tremendous breadth and depth. It is one of the trickier aspects of parenting around technology. If you feel overwhelmed or intimidated, another option is asking your child to show you how it works. This may provide you with a pathway to effective conversation with them. Continue to dig in and don’t give up. Let me leave you with an inspirational quote I find quite appropriate: “It will be hard, but it’ll be the right kind of hard!”

***News Alert***Drug Dealers Connecting and Selling Drugs to Kids on Snapchat

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Did you know that drug dealers are wheeling and dealing with kids on Snapchat? And the drugs they are pedaling across your middle and high schooler’s favorite app are often laced with fentanyl, resulting in overdoses.

While very scary, I wondered if my own high school junior knew about this trend on Snapchat. I asked her and she did not know about this or had seen it online. The question sparked her interest. Together, we watched this NBC Today Show clip, which depicts the tragic story of Dr. Laura Bermen’s 16-year-old son. He bought a Xanax on Snapchat, had it delivered to his home, took it, and was found dead in his bedroom a few hours later. What he did not know was the Xanax was laced with fentanyl, which causes overdose.

When we finished watching the clip, she looked at me and asked, “What’s fentanyl?” I was shocked!

“You don’t know what fentanyl is???” I replied. This is on me. I never thought about talking about this with her or my two older children. To be honest, it scares the life out of me. While I hope my children never experiment with drugs, the reality is they might. And now, with the latest trend of drug dealers infiltrating the place where kids hang and connect most often and freely, it has just become incrementally easier for dealers to connect, sell and deliver. With a single click, a teen can purchase drugs and have them delivered to the house. It’s like Uber Eats for drugs!

Snapchat Drug Menu

My heart breaks for Dr. Bermen and her husband, but I am grateful for their willingness to share their experience in the hope that we can educate and protect our kids. PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO WATCH THIS CLIP, SHARE IT WITH YOUR CHILD, AND HAVE A CONVERSATION.

Helping Our Kids Process Digital Media About Capitol Riots

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The events of Wednesday, January 6th will not soon be forgotten regardless of your political preferences and beliefs. These events continue to dominate the news cycle in various forms, and so we continue to relive the events repeatedly. News stories, op-eds, video footage, and even various memes can be found everywhere on the Internet.

As some of you may or may not know, my three kids are in that in between place…physically, they look and sound like full-grown adults, but mentally and emotionally, they aren’t quite there yet. They have limited life experiences and are just beginning to form their own thoughts and opinions on the world we are living in.

This weekend, as I continued to scroll through my newsfeed like a drug addict looking for my next score, I realized that tweens and teens, my kids included, are deeply exposed to these events on their own feeds.

According to Common Sense Media, 54% of teenagers say they get their news from social media platforms like Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and even TikTok. 50% of those surveyed reported getting their news from YouTube, which means they are more likely to learn about current events by watching videos as well as getting the reports from social media personalities. It begs the question “How accurate and credible is the information?”

This made me wonder What are my own kids seeing, reading, and talking about as it relates to these events?

In February 2018, we experienced another national tragedy, the mass shooting at Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, FL. Many school administrators reached out to me looking for suggestions for their parent communities as they grappled with how to talk about this horrific event with their kids. In many ways, the events of last week bring up many similar concerns:

  • What information are our kids hearing, watching, and reading? There is significant footage of violence, vandalism, and foul language that comes with news reports. For example, I went to YouTube and searched “Capitol mob footage” and here is the first result I received. It makes me uncomfortable to watch, so how would an eleven or twelve year old feel?
  • How credible are the sources of the media that our kids are consuming? Kids have little to no interest in verifying online sources for credibility or to understand what bias is being presented. As we know, the Internet is filled with misinformation as well as heavily biased content. This is a great opportunity to remind them to be aware, question, and research the source of information.
  • How are our kids processing the information? When I was a child, I watched coverage of world events on a television, in a living room, with family members. My parents could sensor or filter what I heard or how much information I watched about the event. They could see how I reacted to the information. How did I process this in my fragile tween and teen brain? Could I handle it? Did I need to talk about it? Fast forward to today. Children watch coverage, see graphic videos, and learn details, on a smartphone, in a bedroom, ALONE. They process their emotions of fear, anxiety, and confusion alone and without conversation with family, thus missing out on reassurance, clarity, and comfort.

As a parent, I forget that my kids are hearing about these events because I do not actually see them watching TV. When it dawns on me that I should check in with them, it is clear that they are very informed of the events and must be getting this information online.

Here is our opportunity to engage in dialog. But how can you safely and in a non-threatening way, start a conversation? That is always the challenge, especially with teenagers. Here are a few suggestions that might help get the conversation started:

  • What have you heard about the Capitol riots?
  • Have you watched any videos from the riots?
  • How do you feel when you watch the footage?
  • Where online do you go to learn about this?
  • What do you think about all this?

I always remind parents, myself included, to do your best to provide kids the space to talk. Take the time to listen. Understand their thoughts and opinions. Do more listening than speaking. I find that simple responses like “really” and “oh” help to create safe space for them to open their thoughts and feelings. Finally, after a productive conversation with my kids, regardless of whether their thoughts align with me, I often text them an article that might be helpful to them. I truly believe that sometimes the best parenting is just being there and quietly listening, supporting and mentoring.

Using Parental Controls Effectively with Kids

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This is the first in a multi-part series that will look at various parental monitoring options for children’s devices.

Welcome to 2021! As the holiday chaos settles, and we start to work our way back to normal (not even sure what that word even means anymore), the new year marks the mental and physical opportunity to reboot (pun intended) certain aspects of life. 2020 (thanks to the many byproducts of Covid) brought a tsunami of changes to the use of technology in family life. The changes came faster than most parents could react and adjust to, primarily in two ways. First, we saw younger kids having unfettered access to devices far earlier than planned and being ill prepared to manage the massive responsibility that the devices require. Second, we saw tweens and teens, many of whom had a high level of technology independence pre-Covid, have exponentially greater time online. Undoubtedly, the changes were, in many cases, unavoidable for the reasons of education, connection to friends and family, and the need to fill countless hours of quarantine.

As we turn the page to this new year, many parents are looking to gain a better handle of their child’s device usage.  With this objective in mind, parents have been asking many of the same questions:

  • How do I know what my child is doing online?
  • Should I monitor my child’s online activities?
  • What is the best way to monitor my child online and increase safety?

None of these questions have straight forward or simple answers. They are questions that require technology management, a balance of communication with your child, and a commitment by both parents and children to work together to manage the independence of technology in positive and effective ways.

As parents seek answers to these questions, it is helpful to consider some basic fundamentals of monitoring:

  • Monitoring does not replace parenting! A child’s device usage may be a problem in your family life but realize that the core of this problem is not a tech issue, but rather a parenting issue that involves technology. Utilizing monitoring tools can be risky because it creates a false sense of security for parents and, often times, results in parents taking their foot off the ‘parenting gas pedal’.
  • No monitoring settings and software are perfect! All safety settings and monitoring software have glitches and work arounds. Kids can simply Google such info as ‘how do I get around screen time settings on an iPhone?’ and they will find an answer. Even more common, one friend discovers how to bypass a safety setting and very generously shares it with all the friends.
  • There is no substitute for education! The most sustaining and long-term solution to ensuring safe online behavior is education of your child. However, this is not a quick and easy answer and can be a long road with bumps and detours along the way. Mistakes will be made, but if parents can work to be involved in their child’s online life and open up lines of communication, there is no 3rd party software that can compare to the arsenal of education and conversation.

Having considered these thoughts, monitoring can still be an effective tool to help with the parenting challenges of technology. Here are a few quick and easy settings that can reduce your child’s vulnerability and increase safety.

Google SafeSearch

SafeSearch is a setting within Google which filters out explicit content in search results across websites, images and videos. As I stated previously, NOTHING is perfect, but this setting is effective at blocking porn sites and sexually explicit content. I also like it for younger users as it will prevent them from mistakenly stumbling on offensive content and images. This link, Google SafeSearch, will walk you through the steps to enable SafeSearch. It can be set on any device that your child uses including laptops, Android, iPads, and iPhones.

It is important to know that you must set SafeSearch, individually, for each browser (Chrome, Internet Explorer, Firefox, etc.) that is installed on the device. In the past, you could easily lock this setting on the browser by using a Google account. Unfortunately, it appears that locking the setting is no longer a feature offered by Google.

YouTube Restricted Mode

Where do kids spend their time online? Common Sense Media reports it is spent viewing online videos. According to the 2019 Common Sense Census: Media Use By Tweens and Teens,

“Online video viewing is through the roof: More than twice as many young people watch videos every day than did in 2015, and the average time spent watching has roughly doubled.”

If this is where kids spend much of their online time, then what better place is there to engage an additional setting that may limit their access to potentially mature or inappropriate content? Restricted Mode, like Google SafeSearch, is a no brainer. Although, this setting is not fool proof and plenty of content slips through the setting, it is certainly better than nothing.

Like SafeSearch, Restricted Mode needs to be set on each device and within each browser installed on the device. However, you can lock the setting by enabling it while logged into a Google account on the browser. Remember to scroll down to the bottom of the setting screen, click Lock Restricted Mode, and enter in your Google password to lock the setting for that browser. This link, YouTube Restricted Mode, provides step by step instructions on how to enable the setting on various devices.

Undoubtedly, parenting during 2020, has brought technology to the forefront of raising our children, if it wasn’t there before. Like most things in life, there are pros and cons to everything. While kids have had tremendously more use of technology both in terms of age and amount, I will argue that these changes have caused all of us to put a stronger emphasis on how our children use technology. There is a growing awareness of protecting our children through both the use of settings like these and educating them to self-protect online. These are skills and knowledge that we all will take far beyond the events of the past year.

 

Should Kids Be Gifted Technology for the Holidays?

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If you are anything like me, you haven’t even put your Halloween decorations away, but yet, here you may be (queue up the “All I Want For Christmas” music) starting to hear the never ending Santa requests. Is your child begging for his first phone? Maybe a new gaming system? Or is it an upgrade to the iPhone 12? Regardless of the specific item on that precious letter to Santa, call them all ‘devices’, let us take a minute to think through the pros and cons of gifting technology to our children this holiday season.

There is no questions that the pure, undulated joy that your child will feel on Christmas morning, should they make Santa’s Good List and receive that device so deeply desired, will be unmatched by anything Santa has previously delivered. However, Santa, lucky for him, does not have to deal with the challenges and dangers that come with these devices. I want to encourage every parent to write Santa a letter requesting he refrain from bequeathing our children with devices. I know, seems strange, as I would love for Santa to spring for that iPhone and save me the cash.  But here is why we need to petition the Big Man….

The devices our children are requesting come with tremendous responsibility both for them and for us as parents. I am a firm believer that before a child ever receives these powerful devices, conversations need to be held, rules need to be agreed upon, and limitations must be set. (Note: See 5 Ways to Keep Kids Safe with the Gift of Technology for suggestions.) This is a negotiation, and your child is a swift negotiator! We, as parents, are in the best position to set the rules and boundaries BEFORE they receive the device. Receiving that phone should be a condition of agreeing to the limits and rules of the house. Violation of the rules have a consequence such as loss of phone time or of the phone all together. Truth be told, kids will sell their soul to the devil to get the desired device that “every kid in their class has”. Note: every kid in the class does not have one.

The reality is that Santa doesn’t have these discussions with our children prior to Christmas morning. He thrives on the art of surprise. When the device just shows up under the tree, with no discussion as to the operating procedures, we as parents are in quite a fix. Who wants to see that joy and feel the love of our tweens and teens drain out of their faces on Christmas morning with a comment like “honey, let’s talk about the rules of the phone”? That is a Christmas buzz kill. So, we put it off a few days and let them enjoy that device that they have been wanting for months. A few days turn into a week and before we know it, our children have defined their own rules of operation and the main rule they establish is that there are no rules!

If you want to give your child the gift of technology this holiday season but want to do it in the most beneficial way possible for both you and your child, I suggest one of two options. The first option is to forgo the mind-blowing surprise on Christmas morning and talk to him or her before the gift is given. Establish the ground rules, gain buy in from your child, even sign a contract if you want. Let them open the device on the holiday. They will still be over the moon!

The second option would be to separate it from the holiday altogether. You can tell your child before Christmas that you are not giving this as a gift. Explain the importance of talking about the purchase and responsibility and then offer it as a post or pre-Christmas event. This is what we did when my daughter received her first iPhone. It was an opportunity to reestablish the rules and boundaries. We bought her the phone mid-December and told her it was part of her Christmas gift. She could have cared less that she did not open it on Christmas morning. Let’s be honest, she was thrilled to have it in her hot little hands a whole 2 weeks early!

So, Santa, if you are reading this, please work with me on this and hold off on the iPhone for Junior. If you really have an extra iPhone 12, I’ll happily accept it for myself.

5 Ways to Keep Kids Safe When Gifting Technology

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Hopefully, you are putting the finishing touches on your holiday gifts and are ready to enjoy the beauty of the season. Maybe you are anticipating the squeal of your daughter’s joy as she opens up the gadget that has been on the top of her list for months! Maybe you are anticipating the days of peace after the holiday when the constant begging and badgering for the latest technology will gleefully be absent from your life!

You may also be feeling a little anxious about the world of smartphones, iPads, or gaming platforms that you are about to enter. It can feel like opening Pandora’s black box for many parents. You are entering the world of constant Internet connectivity and the risks that come with this. Or maybe you are dreading the impending battles over screen time, getting your child to look up from a device, not bringing a phone to the dinner table, or to stop the constant texting.

The good and the bad. The yin and the yang. There is always a price to pay for enjoyment. Nothing is free. The question becomes ‘how high a price do you want to pay for your child’s euphoria?’ The answer is up to you. Here are 5 things to consider before you put the bow on the box and give the gift of technology.

  1. Your negotiating power is on the front end. Parents are in the strongest position to set rules and boundaries BEFORE they give their child a device. Talk through rules, limits, and plans before you give the gift. This is the point at which you will have the strongest voice in the conversation. If your child is resistant to the terms and conditions, then hold back on giving the technology. It is extremely difficult to attempt to impose rules once they have the technology in hand. You have forfeited much of your negotiating power. It is not impossible to put rules in place, but it is much easier on the front end.
  2. Create a digital road map for your family. Creating a Digital Road Map is an article that I previously published which explains how to create a plan that lays out what, how, and when technology will be rolled out in your home. In conjunction with #1, this is best done before you allow access to phones, apps, iPads, Xbox, etc. Make your decisions up front and have a plan with policies in place that are clearly communicated to your child. Also consider building in tech free time with your family and tech free space in your home.  And if possible, ask your child or children to help you develop the digital road map. The more bought into the plan they are, the less resistance you will receive from them and the easier it will be to carry through with it.
  3. Set parental controls on devices. Everyday parental control settings get better and better on the technology that kids are using. Take the time to investigate what is available on the particular device. On iPads, iTouches, and iPhones, there are many settings that can be engaged through the Screen Time settings to increase safety. Gaming consoles, like Xbox One, also allow the ability to set time limits, filter games, tv, and movies, and limit access to Xbox Live.
  4. Consider using 3rd party monitoring software. You will need to determine what the primary objective is of the monitoring software. There are many options when looking at monitoring software. After you figure out what you want to monitor, then you can look at the various options that meet your objective. Here are some examples
    • If your child has a new iPad, you may be looking for a way to filter content, set screen time limits and establish a ‘bed time’ for the device. In conjunction with the Screen Time settings on the iPad, you can also use a product like Circle with Disney that works through your Wi-Fi connection in your home.
    • If your child is receiving a smart phone, she will now be able to access the internet through data instead of home wifi. You may want have access to things like texts, phone calls, apps that are installed, time limits and location. Try using Bark. This software works with iPhones and Android phones, although they have different functionality depending on which it is. Bark also has a free one-week trial and the ability to monitor multiple devices under one account.
  5. Engage in conversation and be involved in your child’s online life. Monitoring does not replace parenting! This is the most important part to increasing your child’s online safety. While your 12 year old may have the knowledge of how to open up the box and have that device connected and running in minutes, your child does not have the knowledge or experience to navigate online threats or how to demonstrate solid digital citizenship qualities online. Parents need to develop an ongoing conversation about these topics. In order to have quality conversations with your child, you need to build your technology credibility:
    • Understand how the technology works
    • Stay current on what is trending with your child and friends
    • Be proactive in your conversations
    • Ask your child questions about likes and dislikes around technology, apps, etc. and listen to the answers

If you can do some or all these things, your pain will likely be reduced over the long term, and most importantly, your child’s online vulnerability will be reduced. Being safe and appropriate online with rules and limitations to technology will not limit your child’s opportunity to enjoy the device. Good luck!

Helping Teens Process Online News During Pandemic

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A week ago, I found myself constantly reading news articles about the coronavirus, the economy, the shutdown of the state and the multitude of other stories related to our current pandemic. As a 52-year-old, I can very honestly say that my generation has never experienced a set of circumstances such as these. My anxiety was rising with every click of my mouse and every word that came across my screen.

I could find stories anywhere and anytime from my personal emails, 3-6 emails per day from the Washington Post or New York Times, to the social media posts to even my favorite ESPN app. Everything and everywhere had something to say related to this world-altering virus.

I realized that as I consumed more media regardless of quality of the content, my anxiety was on a continuous climb higher and higher. I made a decision to limit my consumption to reading updates from 1-2 respectable, journalistic organizations twice a day. I also limited my use of social media to a few times a day. I am working to find that balance between being a well-informed and educated citizen and an anxiety-ridden crazy person.

This realization got me thinking about my children. I wonder how much they are reading about these events. Are they following the exponentially increasing numbers of sick people? Do they read the same posts of people’s descriptions of actually having COVID-19? Do they see Tik Tok after Tik Tok of teens partying on beaches and wonder why they are forced to stay home?

I wonder where they are getting their information. Are they credible sources or are they sensationalized social media posts looking to accumulate clicks? Are they getting the right information or are they simply viewing memes that bring humor, irony, and satire to the situation?

Finally, I wonder, how are they processing the information they are consuming? Are they stressed or anxious? Do they understand the real purpose and goal of social distancing (that answer is generally no)? Do they have questions or is there an opportunity for a productive discussion?

Take a minute to think back to when you were a kid and a world altering event happened. What comes to mind? For me, it was the assassination attempt of Ronald Reagan on March 30, 1981 and the explosion of the space shuttle, Challenger, on January 28, 1986. As reports of both events unfolded, I watched the news on the TV, in my family room, with my parents. My parents could see exactly what information I was consuming, how I was processing it, and whether I was feeling anxious as a result. Naturally, there was conversation as we all processed the tragedies.

Fast forward to today. Consider this from a recent study by Common Sense Media:

  • 54% of teens get news from social media
  • 50% get news from YouTube
  • 41% get news reported by news organizations either in print or online

Common Sense Media source

These statistics suggest two things. First, teens are consuming media related to world and life changing events from their devices They are often alone and isolated in bedrooms or sitting on the living room couch, but without us knowing what they are reading.

Second, as a parent, I realize that I have no idea what, who and how:

  • What are they consuming? Text? Video?
  • Who is producing the content? Is it a credible source? What is the bias (all sources have a bias) of the source?
  • How are they reacting? Is the information building knowledge that creates comfort? Do they understand the issues?

The reality is that we are all on our phones a lot, especially now. Consider these suggestions to help our teens better understand this situation and manage fear and anxiety:

  1. Watch a news segment together. Or suggest that they watch something that you have watched. Ask some open-ended questions about it. The goal is to open dialogue.
  2. Test their understanding. Do not assume that they understand the facts around key issues. For example, I asked one of my teens if he understood why we are social distancing. The answer he gave was “so I don’t get sick”. Well…not exactly. As of a week ago, my college kid did not know about the importance of “flattening the curve” nor the impending breakdown of healthcare if we cannot slow the progression.
  3. Listen. Listen. Listen! Validate. Validate. Validate! Let them talk and articulate their thoughts. Right or wrong, give them a safe place to begin a dialogue. Their worlds have stopped, paused, and they’ve lost many opportunities. They are uncertain of when school will resume, when they can see friends, who will get sick, will someone they know die. These are TOUGH issues for all of us. They are new and uncharted, but teens struggle to identify the fear that comes with it. Give them that space with you.
  4. Create some tech-free time. Pick an hour a day or every other day. Ask everyone in the house to put tech down for that time period. Consider how much time is spent on devices right now with distanced learning, virtual meetups, and social media. We can all use an hour or so to unplug.

Stay safe. Stay healthy. Stay strong.

Liz

The New Year’s Resolution of a 20 Year-Old: Limit Social Media

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We have been looking for someone “in the trenches” to provide some thoughts on what it is truly like to grow up in this hyper digital age. Thank you to Jacob Kelleher, who is our guest blogger, and wrote this insightful article regarding his struggles around his social media use. We wish Jacob great luck in his efforts to be mindful in this new year and hope he will keep us updated on the progress and results of his resolution.

What’s my 2020 New Year’s resolution you ask? The answer is simple: I want to reduce my social media and screen time. Let me guess. You think I am a 40 some-year-old man who is going to explain to you why the young kids of this new, crazy generation should follow in my wise footsteps and reduce their screen time. Would it surprise you to find out I am only 20? Yes, that’s right. I am a 20-year-old kid who, of my own volition, is choosing to put down my iPhone and log out of my social media. At risk of being shunned by my peers, I want to share a little bit about how and why I came to hold a position that is so seemingly radical for someone of my age.

It all started in the last three months (or so) of 2019. I found myself engaging in behaviors and habits that I was beginning to realize were not all that healthy with regard to screen time. I found myself scrolling through Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, or Snapchat mindlessly, and I mean that in the most literal sense. I would scroll through my newsfeed on a platform, exit out because I got bored, and almost immediately reopen the app and start scrolling again. Even though I had just decided I was bored, I found myself going back just to scroll. I also found myself having an actual reflex to take out my phone and scroll through social media. If there was a lull in conversation or I wasn’t 100% engaged in conversation, I would open up a social media account just to scroll without even thinking about it. I even began noticing moments where my friends and I would be sitting in silence, all looking at social media on our phones. It was becoming clear to me that these accounts and my phone were becoming a crutch for me to avoid idle time or even social interaction. That was not ok with me.

So in response, I decided to make this idea of less screen time my New Year’s resolution. We all know how easy it is to drop a New Year’s resolution. In fact, recent research shows 88% of people fail to stick to a New year’s resolution. In the hopes of not becoming part of that statistic, I have laid out goals for myself as well as plans for how to achieve them.

My goals are to not use social media for more than two hours each day, not to use social media while spending time with friends or family, and not to use social media just because there is nothing else to do. I think that three specific goals are an appropriately challenging, yet an appropriately attainable amount to aspire for, and I think each one will uniquely help me reduce the problematic habits I have developed over the last few years.

As for the how, the easiest strategy is screen time restrictions. The new iOS software for iPhones allows users to create a list of apps and a time limit. My phone will then lock me out when the combined amount of screen time spent on all those applications in one day reaches the limit. I have made a 2-hour time limit for Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, and TikTok. This will force me to only use the applications when I think it is worth my time. For if I don’t, I may get locked out early in the day and be unable to use social media later in the day.

As a second strategy, I’ve also decided to stop charging my phone right next to my bed each night. By putting it out of reach, it prevents social media from being the last thing I see before bed and the first thing I see when I wake up.

The last strategy is the hardest: self-monitoring. It’s on me to continue to be reflective and notice when I am using my phone. If I want to use it less with friends and less in general, I need to be able to notice when I am failing at that goal and put my phone down.

In the end, I am 20 years old. Like many of my peers I love social media and I think (perhaps somewhat naively) the positives vastly outweigh the negatives. However, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. I am hopeful that as technology and development continue to accelerate my peers and the next generations can join me in capitalizing on the benefits of social media while also keeping a watchful eye out to prevent it from taking over our lives.

Jacob Kelleher is a 20 year-old junior at Boston College. He is currently double majoring in Secondary Education and Mathematics and minoring in Educational Theatre. He also is an avid participant in the Boston College Theatre Department and has worked professionally in Chicago as a Stage Manager. He hopes to one day be a high school theatre teacher.

Social Media Posts Gone Bad: The Consequences

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Can a pro athlete lose his multimillion-dollar job for what he said online? Just ask Jermaine Whitehead, NFL Cleveland Brown’s safety, who was fired Monday for his “unacceptable and highly inappropriate” twitter posts made after a rough game the previous day.

Can a high school student be arrested for “joking around” about having a school staff member killed via Instagram? Just ask Nicholas Godfrey, a student at Fivay High School, who was arrested last week and charged with 1st degree attempt to solicit murder.

Permanency and lack of privacy are two of the most important concepts kids need to understand about the Internet, specifically the use of social media. EVERYTHING is permanent. NOTHING is private. Educators and parents can attempt to explain this all day. However, the most effective teaching tools, in my opinion, are the real-life stories, experiences, and mistakes of others.

More and more frequently, we are seeing an increasing intolerance to questionable, online posts. This year, in the NFL, more than one player has been released from a multimillion-dollar contract (i.e. being fired), in part, for how they voiced their displeasure with their employers, teammates, and fans via social media. The intolerable act isn’t always the same; it may be the message being communicated and/or the specific words that they chose to use. The message the Cleveland Browns delivered to Jermaine Whitehead was his vulgar and attacking tweets will not be tolerated. If you embarrass and humiliate your employer, whether it be an NFL team or simply Panera, through your use of social media, you will suffer the consequences. A Panera employee’s post on TikTok, where she indicates the company uses frozen, bagged mac and cheese instead of fresh, has been viewed more than 10 million times on Twitter. She, like Jermaine Whitehead, was released from her job for her public comments.

Similarly, Nicholas Godfrey illustrates the seriousness of social media posts. There is no “just joking” out clause, especially when it comes to threats of school violence. Sheriff Chris Nocco said “It doesn’t matter if someone says I was joking, it doesn’t matter what their intent is. When you do it, when you post it out there on social media, you’ve committed that crime”.

My hope is that you share these articles and videos with your kids. My experience with teaching students is examples of real-life people are very impactful. It also provides a safe, non-threatening platform to have discussion about concepts of permanency and privacy online. Some questions you could pose to start a conversation are:

  • Do you think it is fair that these people got fired for tweets and posts they made?
  • Does it matter if you use a private account?
  • Should the student have been arrested for joking about shooting a staff person?
  • Will these posts affect them in the future, like finding another job or getting into college?

Let your kids talk. Listen. Hold your tongue. You may not agree with the answers you hear and that is ok. Simply processing their thoughts and articulating their answers is an important part of the process to understanding these concepts and internalizing them to their own online actions.