News Alert: Sexting incident at New Trier High School

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Sexting. Not my kid. My kid would never do that. I hear it at every parent presentation and quite honestly, I would probably say the same thing about my own kids if I didn’t know better. The consequences are becoming more and more severe for  anyone caught sending and/or receiving pornographic images.  The most recent incident in the news, New Trier Sexting, has occurred in one of the most affluent suburbs of Chicago, Winnetka, at one of the most highly rated public high schools in the country, New Trier High School. I would bet the farm that the parents of these 12 kids would have made the same claim ‘My kid would never do that.’ They will, they did, and now the punishment is swift and severe along with the publicity and humiliation.

I choose to be an optimist when it comes to kids. I think that the majority of kids that make this mistake are more ignorant of the real harm they are causing as well as the consequences of getting caught. In a survey by DoSomething.org, 40% of teens that sext say that they do it as a joke. I don’t believe that these teens are trying to peddle porn. I believe that they, somehow, think it is funny to do this. Yes, it is cruel, mean and sick, but probably not done out of a criminal motivation.

This is where we come in as parents. We need to start these conversations early, probably earlier than you would like or are comfortable with. However, kids as young as 10, 11, 12 are sexting! We need to educate them not only that it’s wrong but also about the consequences of such online behavior.

Starting these conversations can be very uncomfortable for you and for your child. In my blog Snapchat: Do these pictures really disappear forever? I suggested some ways to initiate conversations about topics such as sexting. One suggestion was to find a current, relevant article to share with your child and then open up a discussion about it. Here’s your chance. There are a couple of different topics in this one article:

  • Ask your child for his thoughts and opinions on the peer jury.
  • What does your child think is an appropriate punishment?
  • What would your child do if he was the recipient of such pictures?
  • How did the pictures originate?

I think that you might be surprised at the opinions that our children have and the stories that they might offer about similar situations.

As I was writing this blog, I ran this exact experiment on my 16 year old.  I showed him the article and asked what he thought. It was hard to get him talking. I got a small window to ask him what he would do if he ever receives a sext. He said he would simply delete it. I told him that legally that is not enough. According to Detective Rich Wistocki out of the Naperville Police Department, he needs to do two things: 1.He needs to tell the sender to stop sending him the pictures. 2. He needs to tell a parent, teacher, etc. that he received this. Remember, both the sender and the recipient are guilty if these two actions are not taken. I have to admit that the information was received as most 16 year old boys would receive it….an eye roll and a nod. But he heard me and has now seen a real world example of the consequences for the 12 kids from New Trier.

 

Snapchat: Do those pictures really disappear forever?

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Did you hear that Snapchat was hacked, also known as ‘The Snappening’? The hackers claim that they will be releasing up to 200,000 pictures from Snapchat. Many of these images are nude or semi nude pictures that kids, as young as 10 or 11 years old, have snapped to other people. Half of Snapchat users are teenagers. Soooo…..once again, take this chance to remind your young ‘snapper’ that nothing disappears on the internet. Nothing. Ever.

Do you think your child is using Snapchat? Have you talked to her about the reality of disappearing pictures? It can be a tough discussion especially when you talk about the nature of some of these pictures. One of the best ways to generate a discussion with children is to take the attention off of them. They tend to get defensive, discount what you say as ‘you don’t know what you are talking about’, and shut down. One suggestion is to have them read an article about the incident. There are many out there.  Just Google ‘The Snapping’. Then ask them what they think about it. Believe it or not, kids have strong opinions about this stuff. They may not always be too accurate, but they have them. Once you get them comfortable talking, they will probably have a story or two about what has happened to them or their friends.

In case you are not all too familiar with Snapchat, let’s take a second to give you the basics.

What is it?

Snapchat is a photo messaging application. Users can take pictures, record videos, add text and drawings, and send it to a list of recipients. The attraction, especially for kids, is the concept that the photo ‘disappears’ after a defined amount of time, 1-10 seconds. The intent of the founders was to created a social network with greater privacy than other social networks, like Instagram and Facebook.

Like many social networks, users must be 13 years old, which really doesn’t slow down any 10, 11, or 12 year old. As long as simple math can be done, 2014-13, anyone can set up an account.

How popular is it?

Pretty popular! Snapchat was launched in September, 2011. As of September 2014, there are 100 million monthly active users. And how many snaps does that amount to? Ready for this? The number of snaps per day is 400 million! Holy Snapchat! Clearly it has the attention of the public, specifically, the 10-17 year old public.

What are the dangers?

The most obvious danger is the incorrect perception that the image ‘disappears’. Let me say it one more time. Nothing. Disappears. On. The. Internet. While most kids cannot hack into the Snapchat servers, they sure are capable of taking a screenshot. Yes, a notification is sent to the sender that a screenshot was taken. But so what? Who cares? Certainly not the receiver that took the screenshot because the photo is now saved and in his possession.

A second danger is the false sense of security that the disappearing picture perception gives kids. Those that have previously exercised good judgement in their picture choices, now feel more comfortable pushing the envelope on the type of pictures and get a little more daring. There is a lot of pressure to get edgier, more daring. Why not? It’s fun and the picture is gone in 10 seconds. Right? Not so much.

What can you do?

As always, communicate with your child.  Find a way to start a dialog on this topic. Most often, kids are simply unaware of the dangers and the implications of inappropriate actions. Children, especially the 10, 11, and 12 year olds, are very literal. We tell them that the picture never goes away. They nod their heads as if they understand. However, when I teach kids, I hear more often than not ‘My mom told me that, but I didn’t really understand what she meant.’ They need concrete examples and stories that they can relate to and connect the dots.

Privacy Settings

I, actually, had never heard about privacy settings for Snapchat. But yes, there are a couple. There is one for who can send you snaps and another for who can see your stories. Follow this link for easy to follow instructions on how to set this for your child. Snapchat Privacy Settings

At the end of the day, Snapchat, like most apps, is a fun social network. The key is for you to understand the app, its risks, and communicating to your child about appropriate usage and dangers.

How do you set time limits with technology in your family?

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My cousin shared this article from the New York Times with me. Take a second to read it. It is pretty interesting.

Steve Jobs was a Low Tech Parent

Personally, I found this article to be both thought provoking and humbling, with a little bit of humor sprinkled in (loved the part about touch screens in Jobs’ home). I initially just shared it on my personal Facebook page. A couple of friends remarked on the article, and I could see the wheels turning in their heads as well as my own as to how we handle limits of technology in our homes.

In the interest of full disclosure, I am not the model parent when it comes to screen time limitations. Like some of you, I have all the rationalizations at the ready to relieve my guilt: my kids are active, homework gets done, grades are good (most of the time), none of them are obsessive with it (not completely true), blah, blah, blah. We do have one rule that is never violated and I am happy to say never even challenged: No tech at any meals, either in the house or at a restaurant.

After reading the article and being honest with myself, I thought about what I should do. Do I institute limits? Do I collect devices during the week? These are both possible solutions. Heck, they seem to work for the big wigs of the world that we all depend on to give us the next, great iPhone. However, as I thought a little more, I realized that there are some difficulties with this in my home, and I don’t think there is one solution that fits all three of my kids.

When do they out grow limits?

I have a high school junior and quite honestly, he probably could benefit the most from some limits. However my overriding objective with him is to teach him how to self regulate and get him ready to go off to college. The harsh reality is that he will be ON HIS OWN in 22 VERY short months (sniff, sniff). I’d much rather see him struggle with independence now rather than when he goes off to college. The price of struggling with independence at that point is very high both emotionally and financially.

My current approach across his life is to create responsibility for him to managing his life by giving him independence WITH consequences. The goal is to get him to balance his technology time with homework, activities, and responsibilities. Certainly I monitor this, offer guidance, provide gentle reminders, and if necessary, enforce consequences when he does not succeed at finding the balance. So for my high school junior, hard limits might prove to be more detrimental in the long run.

Should limits be affected by how the technology is being used?

The other two kids in the house are 13 and 10 years old. It would be logical to set limits for these two. The 13 year old probably would not even use his allotment of screen time and could sell off his excess to his younger sister! He tends to be more interested in things that involve some type of ball and movement.

The 10 year old is a little more of a conundrum. She is on her iPad a lot. However, I am fascinated with how and what she does. She is not allowed on Instagram or other social media sites and does not really play games. She loves to create charms with clay. Unbeknownst to me, there is a vast online community doing this. So she creates instructional videos that she shares (she is highly aware of a the safety of not showing her face and giving out any personal info) and follows other crafters. I’m amazed at the creative outlet she has found. I ask myself ‘Would I limit her time of crafting if technology was not involved?’ Absolutely not. I actually would encourage it. For her, technology has enhanced a very creative skill.

What am I demonstrating?

Hello, my name is Liz and I am a phone addict! One of my parenting mantras is to not expect something from my children that I don’t expect of myself. If I’m honest with myself, my use is slightly excessive. Yes, it is part of my job. But, I could put my phone down more often. I could not check my email at every stop light. I really don’t need to read Facebook posts multiple times a day. I am the living, breathing example to my children. If I question their amount of time on technology, maybe I should be cognizant of my own. I’m sure I’m not alone here.

So what is the bottom line of my reflection on this article? In an effort to create some limits that might work in my home, I think I might propose a ‘Technology Free Night’. We can have dinner together and play an old fashion game or maybe watch a movie. The goal is not to punish anyone in the family by limiting technology but rather to promote and encourage healthy, family bonding behavior. The technology tends to disconnect us all. So maybe that is the goal for us…take some time to build real connections.